Today I Describe Myself in Four Ways

Brain
Is:  Surprisingly prone to optimism.
Was: A total black hole that seemed to overanalyse everything until life was pure shit.

There used to be days when I felt as though my mind was a . . . freaking disaster.  I was trying to think of some metaphor, but there really isn't one that describes how ghastly things were.  It took me a very long time to connect all my thoughts and experiences together in a way that made me want to change my life.  I guess I had to go through the process of first figuring out what I thought of something, and then determining what it was that made me think of things in that way.

I'm glad I decided to do this in my twenties rather than any other time.  There was less content to wade through than I imagine there'd be if I'd waited another decade.

Body
Is: Getting round.
Was: Fit and something (even though I picked out all my flaws constantly) I worked hard at and was proud of.

I always said I hated how I looked.  I think I was lying.  I'm not used to having a tummy or having a larger waist than Peter.  I'm still quite small for someone who's five months along, but for me it's something new.  I don't know how to feel pretty any more, and I'm not sure I feel very feminine.  Isn't that sad?  I don't feel attractive, so somehow, I feel like I'm not as worthy as I was.  Worthy of what, don't ask me, but I do feel as though I've lost my appeal. 

Thinking about it, I actually should feel quite feminine.  I am, after all, doing something that only girls can do.

Heart
Is: Beating and full of joy.
Was: Lonely always for love.  Which meant Pete.

It's a very good thing that I am irresponsible and implusive.  I doubt that if I wasn't I'd have what I currently do with Pete.  I sometimes think that I acted in a way that was a little disproportionate based on how well I actually knew the guy, but I used to think there was more to us than what there was.  We were a longdistance pair for the first two years of our time together, and I tried to act as if I knew Pete on a day-to-day basis. 

I have written it numerous times before—I filled in the gaps of what I didn't know about him with what I assumed would be closest to the truth.  Mostly, I wasn't far off.  I do think that maybe I was a bit reckless when it came to the decisions I made about him, but I do believe that if I hadn't done those things, I'd still be waiting for a proposal.  It was a risky, but good, investment.

Soul
Is: Connecting.
Was: Barely there, it felt.
I am going to write about God again, so if you're not inclined toward reading about that, well, I guess our story ends here.  If, however you'd like to keep reading, why thank you, and I'll try not to be too overbearing.

I'm a bit of a control freak when it comes to my life.  I'm impatient and I like things to occur the way I want them to.  It is always a challenge for me to stop trying to force things to happen in my life and let the situation do what it will.  It was very hard for me, in this respect, when it came to Pete and I meshing spiritually.  I suppose I didn't trust him that he was actually trying to sort himself out and make some decisions about what kind of relationship he wanted with God, and therefore, me.  It was a real epiphany that I shouldn't be trusting Pete for this at all—that I should be placing my trust in God to help with this. 

I prayed a lot, and promised God I wouldn't try to make Pete feel badly for not believing how I do.  I was very hard to hold back my words and be obedient to what God was telling me.  However, I managed to do it, and now Pete and I are so much closer in our spiritual lives.  We've even found a church we can both go to and feel very good in the Lord.  So, it was a hard time, but it's gotten so much better.  I feel as though if we hadn't had these problems, both of us would be a lot further away from what God wants for us than we presently are—premarital sex and all.

Kidney Interlude

I went to the hospital for four days last week.  I had probably .75 amount of fun.

It was a scary/shitty time because of these:


I do think, despite all of that, I was well taken care of.  The people were friendly and helpful and tried to make me as comfortable as possible.  Hospitals are just not sanctuaries, I think.  That's the first time I have ever slept over at one before.  Well, aside from when I was a baby.

I am not ignorant.  This is how I happened to be in the hospital.  I am going to write it out for posterity.

When I had a checkup at the end of December, my doctor took a urine sample.  I told her my pee smelled differently and she said that it's normal for urine to smell a bit off while you're pregnant.  The pee didn't have anything wrong with it, so la dee da.

So then time went on and I thought my pee smelled pretty sick, but it didn't hurt to go or anything, so I thought it was just normal.  Then I started to get sharp pains in my abdomen that gradually got worse.  I could barely walk!  I thought it was my baby getting bigger and pushing everything around, perhaps, but I soon began to realise that it felt a little not normal. 

So then I went to the hospital and all that other jazz happened.  And sorry about talking about the pee.

My baby is very safe and healthy!  We got to see it on the ultrasound.  It looks like a jellybean who has a spine and head.  We don't know what it is yet.

Anyway, that was my adventure.

And this is how things have come to pass.

Time is a funny thing.

I don't assume I'll ever speed up to it or slow down to it.  I don't assume I'll ever feel like it's passing as it ought to.  I don't assume you know what I mean.

I suppose it's nothing, really.

I am twenty-three.  I am a bride.  I am an almostmother.  I am happy.

I am old.  Older.  I don't know.

These times are intriguing, I hope you know.

This is what I mean to say.

Though I'm not really, not technically, old, I feel that way.  I think I've overthought myself so much so that my brain has extra years that my body doesn't.  It's charming and frustrating and startlingly such a me thing to have done.

Whatever that means.

It's funny to know yourself.  I think back a few years ago and I had no idea what a Lorri Yurkowski was, or how you went about being one.  Now I've gotten quite comfortable with the concept, and feel like I've got a firm foundation under my feet.  I feel like I've gotten someplace, like all the shit I hated had a point.  It is an absolute relief.  It is a triumph.  Really.  I was once an absolute mess, don't you know.

So, I'm okay with things.  I am more than ready to be a wife, to join the me I now know to someone else.  I'm not scared about having a baby.  I'm comfortable with it, I anticipate these things with more than what I'm made of.

I'm not lonely, I'm not sad, I'm not angry, I'm not alone.

I feel like a different person than I did even half a year ago.  I suppose husbands and babies, or even the prospects of such things, will do that to a girl. 

To a woman.

Time is a funny thing.
Time is hilarious.

La Vie à Montréal

I have lived in only one other big city, and I was not living downtown.

Thinking about how it was then, it doesn't really feel like I was living in a major metro area compared to the downtown Montréal life.

You can live in a suburb of a city, and it doesn't really have that cityish feel.  Living so close to downtown makes it seem as though I really, truly reside in one of the major centres of Canada.  Vancouver life didn't feel quite so metropolitan.

I like this way of life.  I like having the métro so close, I like not being a long busride away from all the fun nighttime things to do.  I really enjoy being able to get around places without driving.  I like all the tall buildings, I like feeling as though I am "with it", whatever that means.

I hate all the money.

I don't think I will like this life for my family.  It's a young life I have here.  I do think I'll want that suburb thing I was mentioning, once I have a surprise in my tummy.

It is kind of neat, though, to be all busy during the day, around a bunch of people, and then go into your little house and it's quiet and relaxing.  Except for when the construction men next door are busy constructing.

But!  I've misled you.  I don't really live in the downdowntown . . . I live on the edge of it, almost in Vieux Montréal, which is the really old part.  Rich people live here (minus the mister 'n me).  So it still feels all crazy in the mornings, but in a much more sophisticated way.  ;)

Would you know what I meant if I said that I feel old and young at the very same time?

It is time to get back to the old jobby.